


Muted Blue

by starwrecks



Category: Cow Chop, The Creatures | Cow Chop RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Emotional Hurt, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, So much angst, Songfic, Suicidal Thoughts, Toxic Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-20
Updated: 2017-09-20
Packaged: 2019-01-01 06:19:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12150471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starwrecks/pseuds/starwrecks
Summary: James and Aleks have been dating for quite some time now. Of course, they have had their fair share of fights, but this time was a lot different. A letter on the other side of the made-up bed says it all.





	1. And if you're still breathing, you're the lucky ones. Because most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs.

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by [this song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sh-MYtENchs) and [this song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eiSzBmyX4eQ).

It was most likely the 8th time or so within thirty seconds Aleks had tried to phone James. In a fit of anger, he threw down his phone onto the other side of the bed, the device bouncing a few times, illuminating the room. The light of his lock screen reflected off of the collection of cheap week-old beer bottles he had growing on his bedside table. Aleks glanced around the room like he had done many times before. His clothes were so strewn across the hardwood floor, he could barely pick apart what was clean from what was dirty. Bottles and wrappers littered the ground in between pieces of clothing. Drawers were half-open with miscellaneous items hanging out of them and he sure as hell couldn't remember the last time the bedsheets were washed. Oh, he should've been disgusted with himself.

On the other side, things were kept neat and orderly. You could clearly see there was in fact a floor underneath the bed. James' side had the covers tucked in without a crease in sight, and his clean clothes were folded neatly in all the drawers, which were, in fact, closed. There was no trace of food or drink anywhere near the other half of the room. Aleks admired his boyfriend's ability to keep a space so tidy. He just wished he cared enough to do something about the "organized chaos" on his side of the room.

They always fought about petty things such as that, James and Aleks. This wasn't the first time, and Aleks suspected that this definitely wasn't going to be the last. At times, James' meticulousness really got on Aleks' nerves, but for the most part he had learned to live with a picky boyfriend and managed to keep him content in terms of hygiene.

Grunting with discontent, Aleks made his way into the tiny kitchen within their apartment. He liked it here; the building they resided in had a warm and cozy sort of feeling that made him truly feel at home.

At least, when he wasn't fighting with James. Nothing felt like home in the middle of an argument with the one you're supposed to love the most.

Of course, they weren't the perfect couple. Nobody is. Everyone has their fair share of petty arguments and spitting spiteful insults at one another, right? Granted, Aleks knew things had been growing more tense as time went on in their relationship. But both him and James realized that loving one another was not a simple walk in the park. 

Everybody has their flaws. Aleks was quite messy most of the time. He recognized that, and he felt accomplished knowing that he was able to identify his flaws in his relationship. He felt like he tried his best to really keep things orderly in order to keep James happy. At least, he really felt like he was doing enough on his end.

But James? Aleks really couldn't identify a single flaw that James had, which really bothered him at times. He knew deep down that James was not a perfect person, but when it came time for him to try and identify a single flaw which James had, Aleks could only come up with the fact that James was exceedingly diligent about how cleanly his spaces were. And Aleks didn't even feel as if that was one of James' flaws – it seemed to be more of a flaw of his own for not being tidier.

Pushing down the negative thoughts, Aleks cracked open the fridge, squinting at the bright light radiating from the frigid machine. What he reached for was nothing new – another bottle of cheap beer to add to his growing collection of empty bottles on the floor and his bedside table. This had become a nightly routine for Aleks, sometimes daily, and more than once, but he didn't like to admit it. James often bitched and whined about his so-called "drinking problem" and how he "needed to get a grip on his issues," but Aleks figured he just wanted the bottles picked up off the floor. He figured he would get to it eventually.

Cracking open the bottle, Aleks headed back to the bedroom where he seemed to spend most of his time at night. He was stumbling a tad by now, sloppily falling onto his bed and reaching for his phone to call his boyfriend yet again.

Only this time, he caught something out of the far corner of his eye.

It was an envelope, sealed, with his name penciled onto it in a familiar penmanship. He gulped at the sight of it, almost choking on the air he was breathing, and nervously tore open the letter.

_Dearest Aleksandr,_

_I hope with all of my heart that you are finding this letter in a sober state of mind. I guess I have some explaining to do. I apologize for not being physically able to stick around for me to tell you all of this. It was beginning to just become a little bit too much for me to handle. You understand how I can get at times._

Aleks took a long swig from the neck of the bottle, unfazed, and read on.

_Anyways, after dedicating almost five years of my time to you, I have made the personal decision to step away from the situation at hand. I have decided that it would be in both of our best interests to separate for a little while and maybe revisit this in a few months' time._

Choking on his alcohol, Aleks went from normal to stunned and confused in a matter of seconds, gazing dumbfoundedly at James' handwriting scrawled onto the paper. He focused in on the way some letters left indents in the parchment. Gently, he set the letter down on James' bedside table before picking up his phone and dialing the ten digits he was so familiar with.

He was greeted with an acquainted voicemail, although he still tried to talk to machine into coming back to the comfort and warmth his bed for the night.

It wasn't until he didn't get a response that he realized.

Blinking slowly, Aleks removed the phone from his ear and hung up before he had the chance to embarrass himself even more. He haphazardly flung the phone onto James' side of the bed yet again, tossing and turning violently, becoming ensnared in his bedsheets. He could feel tears begin to form in the corners of his eyes as he murmured sentences laced with swears and derogatory terms into his pillow.

Who just decides to leave after five years? Five fucking years. After already going through so much with one another, you'd think that whatever was putting a strain on the relationship could be solved through communication or something.

Aleks turned one final time and extended an inked arm to pluck the letter off of the bedside table once more. With tears welling in his eyes yet again, he pushed on.

_I believe we both know why I wrote this letter in the first place. This past year or so has been extremely rough on us both. I didn't want to bring it up while we were together, out of fear of starting another hate-filled argument, but I felt as if the person I had asked to be my boyfriend was slipping right through my fingers like fistfuls of sand. As time went on I could feel the Aleksandr I had grown to love and adore morph into something I did not really want to interact with anymore. I want you to know that I am worried for you, yet I love you so much. I need you to understand that my absence is coming from a place of love, rather than a place of bitterness or disdain. I want you to be able to obtain a grip on reality in a sober state of mind and work on yourself and your flaws before attempting to love another human being. You owe that to yourself, Aleksandr. You are worth so much more than you give yourself credit for._

Aleks seemed to ignore the bigger message within the letter as his eyes skimmed over the familiar phrase "I love you so much" that had been written out by James so many times before. On post-it notes and corny love letters they had written to one another back when they first started dating. Only this time, these words were hot and stung like bile in the back of Aleks' throat. The cyanide-laced words packed one hell of a punch and made him feel queasy.

_Although it is not like me to up and leave on such short notice, it really does pain me to say that I couldn't bear telling you all of this in person. I care so much about your well-being and am absolutely terrified that sticking around would be a bad idea for us both. I know this is vague, but I would hope that you would trust in me enough to just take my word for it._

_I know you're going to do great things in the world, Aleksandr. I cannot wait to see you thriving out there._

_Best Wishes,_

_James xox_

Aleks let the letter fall onto his chest and the tears quietly roll down his cheek as he tried to fixate his gaze on the bedroom ceiling. His head was spinning, not only from the cheap alcohol but from distant memories that he had once shared with James from what seemed like ages ago. Screwing his eyes shut didn't seem to help him either; the on-a-boat feeling was still pertinent.

Clutched in his other hand was the beer bottle he had grasped onto so tightly throughout the duration of James' letter, almost as if it was a lifeline. In that moment, Aleks had allowed himself to let go of the bottle as it came crashing to the floor with a loud clank! as beer immediately began pouring from its neck, soaking into dirty clothes and whatever else lay on the filthy floor.

As the smell permeated the far corners of the room, even on James' side, Aleks closed his eyes and feigned an attempt to sleep, secretly hoping that tomorrow would never come.


	2. And if you're in love, then you are the lucky one, because most of us are bitter over someone.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James ends it all. For good this time.

Aleks wasn’t quite sure about how he ended up in such a dingy hotel room, absolutely obliterated at such an ungodly hour. He couldn’t even remember specifically booking a hotel reservation for himself, or why he even would to begin with, but he did know was that the static of the TV was a constant reminder of when James would fall asleep on the couch every damn night with the TV on, buzzing like an angry swarm of bees in the background, and it made him feel… uncomfortable. Discontent. His head pounding, he reached deep into his pocket and pulled out a newly-purchased carton of cigarettes, soaked from the rain.

He flipped it over a few times in his hands. His fingertips danced over the soaked weathered letters on the box as he reminisced about the promise he had made so long ago.

That promise meant nothing to him now.

Slowly, Aleks pulled a cigarette out of the carton and positioned it between his shaky fingers. It had been a long while since he had smoked, as he was determined to show James that he could keep a promise. James never liked the activity - it left everything in the apartment smelling of stale smoke, and left his boyfriend tasting like it, too.

Aleks remembered that it had gotten to the point where James really refused to do much of anything with him, unless he had promised to quit smoking for good. That’s when Aleks realized he had a problem.

He fumbled around in his pocket, desperately searching for a lighter. He muttered under his breath as the thought of relapsing back into an old habit he thought he had conquered, finally pulling out a white lighter and setting the thin white monster ablaze.

He didn’t believe in superstition.

Slowly, he got up from the side of the bed, dragging his feet on the hotel room carpet as he made his way out onto the balcony. His mind began to wander as his eyes flitted around and he took in the environment around him.

For as long as he could remember, Aleks had had a pretty rough time growing up. Of course, everyone has problems at some point or another, but he had felt as if he had been dealt one shitty card after another in the hand of life. He mulled over past events, from when he was a young boy up until this very moment.

And in this moment, he had felt so low - so low, in fact, that he couldn’t quite exactly place the last time he had felt this horrible. Like he had finally lost his battle in this sick, twisted game called life. It was as if in this moment, nothing could compare to the sour tinge in his heart while reading that letter James had perfectly laid out on the other side of the bed.

Aleks dragged himself back into his bedroom after surveying the horizon, reaching for the familiar grasp of a bottle that he had previously stashed under the bed. He wasn’t stupid, that was for sure; he had made sure to stock up on alcoholic beverages before making his way to his final destination tonight. For good measure, he thought.

Cracking open a beer, he tipped the glass bottle back as the familiar taste of his favorite drink quickly rushed down his throat. It was almost as if he was immune to the effects of cheap beer and liquor - and it wouldn’t surprise him if that were the case. He took another large swig of his drink before dragging himself back out onto the balcony of his shitty hotel room.

He leaned over the edge cautiously. Aleks couldn’t remember where things had started to go wrong. For as long as he could remember, he felt as if his relationship with James was one of the best and most important things that had happened to him in his 25 years of life. James had always been there for him when things got rough. After having to struggle through one situation after the next, to him James felt like a breath of fresh air. The kind of breath you inhale on a crisp cold autumn day. It sends shivers down your spine and even though the air is cold, your lungs expand and you feel a lot warmer than you would have predicted you would feel.

Yeah. James felt like that.

Aleks flipped through the elder memories mentally, replaying the most significant ones back in his mind. In fact, he couldn’t stop them from replaying over and over again. Him and James had been together for so long, for five god damn years. Aleks really was convinced that they had it all.

He thought, at least. Apparently some individuals didn’t reciprocate the same feelings.

And oh boy, did it hurt. Aleks recalled the times before him and James were considered more than two best friends. He had always looked up to the older boy, and how he just so desperately wanted to be everything good that he saw in him. James wanted nothing more than for his closest friends to succeed in life. It struck a deeper pang to Aleks’ heart than anything else he had ever heard James say.

Of course, James didn’t know the struggle of growing up, living one shitty circumstance after another. James didn’t ever have to go through the torture of moving across the world, constantly being in a financially tight fix, and dealing with the pain that is present when your parents don’t love and accept you for who you are as a person.

No. James had parents who loved and supported him and his ideas. He never lost his mother at such a young age. Aleks knew James grew up in a generally privileged household, and although it wasn’t his fault, he was quite envious of his other half for that opportunity.

His blood began to boil as his cheeks grew hot with resentment. He didn’t hate James, not at all, but he couldn’t help but wake up most days jealous of where his boyfriend had come from in the previous years. More often than not, he thought to himself that this is the reason why James had turned out to be such a perfect individual in such a shitty world.

James had no flaws. At least, none that Aleks could pinpoint.

The alcohol was coursing through his veins by now, and the blonde-haired boy confidently stepped up to the railing of the balcony and leaned slightly over. Glancing over his scuffed Adidas, Aleks’ eyes hazily attempted to focus on the cars flying by below him. He took a long drag of his cigarette and tilted his head back up, his gaze meeting the darkened LA horizon.

It’s black. He wouldn’t want the stars to be out anyways. James would have liked that.

Aleks blinked a few times, slowly at first until he realized just exactly where he was. His eyes widened and he peered down at the road far beneath his own two feet before staggering back a bit. He didn’t realize how far up from the world below he actually was, and it sent him into an acute shock.

His knuckles turned white as he gripped onto the freezing cold railing for dear life, screwing his eyes shut. The cheap beer flowing through his system made its way through his bloodstream and into his brain as he tried to steady himself and think clearly, even if it was only for a mere second.

But the thing is, Aleks just couldn’t keep his eyes shut for that long because images and memories of James just kept replaying themselves repeatedly in the back of his mind. It was like a curse and he just couldn’t catch a break.

Aleks inhaled deeply, craning his neck up towards the black abyss above him. He wondered just how long the darkness went on, how high above him it went and how long it would take to reach that point. His head carefully did a 180 degree rotation until his eyes were gazing back down, looking at the brightly-lit pavement below him.

Aleks’ mind began to wonder as he quietly thought to himself. His mind meandered through previous memories - no, his mind began to _race_ toward unwanted memories buried in the deepest crevices in his brain. He wondered, just for a split second - if anyone would bother caring if he had jumped from this high up. His knuckles turned white as his feet arched and he peered over the edge of the railing that was restraining him. He turned back, almost sort of paranoid, as if someone may have been watching his every move.

There was a clattering sound coming from within the hotel room, but Aleks was too high off of his adrenaline rush to notice anything outside of his hazy, drunken personal bubble.

Aleks wasn’t afraid of death tonight. No, people who feared death usually had reasons why they wanted to live, and right now he craved nothing more than to stop existing.

He pushed himself up slightly, drunkenly, wavering ever so slightly as the sole of his sneakers caught the bottom of the metallic rails. Heaving himself up higher, his elbows buckled as he looked down beneath him. Was he starting to have second thoughts?

His cheeks burned hot from the cheap liquor. He bent over the edge of the rail to get a better view, almost as if he wanted to solidify his choice before executing it. He swallowed hard, and although it wasn’t visible because he had such a tight grip on the rail, his hands were violently shaking.

Suddenly, as if on command, a silhouette appeared in the doorway, slinking across the side of the walls. It stayed silent for a good amount of time, taking in the scene that was beginning to unfold.

“Take your foot off the ledge, Aleksandr.”

But Aleks didn’t pay it any attention. In fact, he attempted to gain footing higher up on the rails, completely disregarding his safety.

“Aleksandr!” The silhouette’s voice increased in volume, octave, and fear, yet Aleks still didn’t completely comprehend what was going on. He hesitated a bit, but didn’t think of looking back. The alcohol was coursing through his veins, and although his joints buckled every time he thought a little bit too much, he had somehow convinced himself that he was unafraid.

“ _Aleks_!” The voice behind the younger boy cracked, full of emotion, and that was enough to make Aleks freeze on instinct. It was a familiar voice, one usually full of warmth and giggles, one that Aleks usually associated with bright sunny days and light-hearted jokes being cracked in the midst of a conversation during dinner.

This voice, however, was nothing close to what Aleks was familiar with. This voice was filled with trauma and aching regret. It was the type of voice that had survived a lot of screaming and yelling, a lot of vicious fights with words thrown back and forth. A voice that had spat a lot of ruthless remarks in its time, and a voice that had received even more brutal comebacks.

“Fuck off.”

The silhouette stepped out from under the shadows, cheeks glistening and stained with tears. His mouth had opened slightly to refute the younger boy’s harsh words, but it quickly closed as the blonde began spitting slurred words that seemed to burn his tongue.

“Fuck off fuck off fuck _off fuck off_!” Aleks’ words became more slurred as he continued on talking - and the silhouette knew this like he knew the back of his hand. It was a known fact that whenever Aleks was drunk and angry, or drunk and upset or even drunk and extremely excited, his words became more slurred.

Aleks shook his head angrily, his body swaying back and forth vigorously in the process, as if to rid his mind of the voice that was talking him out of his already made-up decision.

Was it all in his head? Aleks craned his neck to look behind him, halfway up the safety rail. As his vision began to clear, a familiar figure came into view.

Aleks’ eyes burned at the sight unfolding before him. He screwed his eyes shut abruptly, as if this would permanently solve all the problems floating around in his head currently. Tears began to emerge out of the corners of his eyes.

The figure standing in front of him looked tired, defeated, and most of all, worn out. Although the voice had sounded familiar in Aleks’ head, the figure looked nothing like what Aleks expected to see when he finally turned around. It pained him.

The silhouette opened his mouth halfway yet again to deflect the situation at hand, only managing to get out a few words before being abruptly cut off.

“Aleksandr, let’s get down from the-“

“James,” Aleks growled in a higher-pitch tone of voice, clearly distressed. “I don’t know why you’re here, or what possessed you to show your goddamn face or how you even managed to find me-“

“The voicemails,” James almost inaudibly croaked, cutting the younger boy off. Aleks flinched at the pain behind the older one’s voice, and figured now would be a good time to keep quiet and allow James to provide him with an explanation.

“The voicemails you left me,” James recollected his thoughts before proceeding. “You left me about 20 or so voicemails on my fucking phone, Aleksandr. I couldn’t let this continue on any longer. I realized I had to step in at some point.”

Aleks slowly opened his eyes. The tears were falling more steadily now from both boys, and Aleks blinked a few times, still gripping onto the cold metal for dear life.

Slowly, he came to the realization that not as much time had passed between the carefully-worded letter James had left on his side of the bed, and what was unfolding right now as he thought. In fact, _it was still the same night_.

A puzzled look began to unfurl upon the blonde boy’s face. He was steadily coming down from his adrenaline high, but his cheeks still burned red hot with rage as he recalled bits and pieces of the letter that caused this turn of events in the first place.

He didn’t remember the voicemails. He didn’t remember much of anything, actually, besides the crystal clear image of the letter, forever branded into his memory.

“You can fuck right off,” Aleks quickly dished the words out, as if they were poison lingering on his tongue. “You don’t really care about this. About us. You never did,” He looked at the ground. At their shadows that seemed to be frozen in time. “Or else you wouldn’t have written that letter.”

“W-what?” James stood there, frozen from the words that just seemed to flow so easily off of Aleks’ tongue. A man who was supposed to love him just as much as James loved him back. “Aleksandr, I-“

“Why’d you go and have to do this to me, James?” Aleks raised his voice out of pure malice. “We really had everything. We had it all. We were doing so well-“

“I realized,” James interrupted his former lover, inhaling deeply. “I realized a lot of shit, Aleksandr. This wasn’t just a rash decision made on my part, you know. I’ve had people telling me for months to get out of what they deemed as an abusive, toxic relationship. The yelling, the fighting, and the constant drinking was something I should have caught onto sooner, but when you’re blinded by love, sometimes flaws are so hard to see.”

“ _Bullshit._ ”

“And so you see, the people who care about me most realized I was changing, and not for the better. Even they felt the weight you had placed on my shoulders, dragging both of us six feet under, into a grave you were digging not only for yourself, but for me as well. You’ve changed a lot since I first met you, Aleksandr. And don’t get me wrong, people change, and people grow. And I think you and I just grew apart.”

Aleks was sobbing intensely by now, his body shaking violently with each breath he managed to take. James didn’t dare step forward to try to remove the boy from the ledge.

“I had to dig myself out of a grave you put me into. But when I listened to your voicemails, I knew I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if something bad had happened to you.

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Aleks hissed. “What voicemails?”

Instead of a verbal reply, James extended a pale palm towards Aleks, who simply just stared at it in confusion.

Hesitantly, Aleks released one firm grip from the metal bar, taking James’ hand into his own. It was warm to his icy cold touch. Something that finally felt like home after so long.

Slowly but surely, Aleks made his way back down to solid ground, standing beside James, who had pulled out his phone from his pocket and searching for the specific voicemail he wanted Aleks to listen to.

The voicemail was full of slurred words and hiccups, audible stumbling and threatening words, and Aleks was just now beginning to realize the severity of what he had said over the phone. He swallowed harshly.

“I… I just didn’t want you to do anything you’d regret tonight.” James sniffled, roughly kneading the palms of his hands into his eyes. “I wouldn’t ever be able to forgive myself if something horrible had happened to you.”

“Then why’d you leave me?” Aleks’ voice didn’t waver in the slightest. His inquiry hit deep in James’ heart. “Tell me why you left so suddenly.”

“God damn it, Aleksandr, the _abuse_!” James was becoming frayed at the seams and began to slowly fall apart. “I wouldn’t expect you to see it anyways.”

“What is that even supposed to mean?”

“Listen,” James growled, becoming more frustrated as time continued to pass. “You’re digging yourself a grave and if you don’t change things soon, you’re going to die in that grave.” James paused. “I can’t see myself die in there with you.”

“Well I’d rather die than live in a world like this,” Aleks spat, and when James went to reach out for his hand, he yanked it away violently.

“Don’t touch me. Don’t sit here and spew these bullshit lies and then try to comfort me. I don’t need or want your pity.”

“Enough,” James raised his voice authoritatively as if he were finally sick and tired of Aleks’ bullshit after so many years. “I don’t want to hear the bullshit coming out of YOUR mouth anymore.”

These were fighting words to Aleks. Almost instinctively, his pale hands clenched into fists as his fingernails dug deep into the flesh of his palm. He gritted his teeth and went to swing a fist at James, who was able to deflect Aleks’ drunken punch almost too easily.

James grabbed a hold of Aleks’ skinny colored wrists, which only made Aleks want to break free from his grasp and run away to anywhere, anywhere but here, but instead he froze. The familiar touch of James’ soft skin against his brought back an intense wave of nostalgia that Aleks was definitely not ready for.

Sure, it felt like home again. James’ fingertips were warm and comforting around Aleks’ cold tattoos. It was always like this back at home. In the dead of winter, Aleks always froze to death, no matter how warm the California sun was, and James was always the one to provide heat to the younger boy.

Sure, it felt like the familiarity that home provides. But tonight, they were both far from home.

Aleks allowed James to yank him and his longing gaze away from the rail and back into the dismal hotel room. Back to the foolishly-hidden stash of alcohol under the bed that James has probably yet to find, andback the TV speaking static.

That damn TV. It brought back memories of James and the house yet again, except this time they are unwanted by Aleks. Snapping out of his foggy daze, he attempts to break free from James’ grasp a second time, although he should have realized by now that James was stronger than him. It was a fact that had been proven so many times in the past.

Once he realized that he couldn’t escape James’ firm grip, he yanked even harder, spewing more toxic words and James could tell he was afraid of what was going to happen next.

James reluctantly released the grip on Aleks’ wrists, his palms sweaty as he whipped around and closed the gap between himself and the drunken, younger boy.

“Fucking listen to me,” James growled in a lower octave than what his voice is normally used to. “We’re done here. We’re leaving. Do you understand me? This is silly and immature, and this little game of yours? It’s over.”

“You don’t fucking understand!” Aleks wailed at the top of his lungs, his chest heaving. “What part of you makes you think this is a fucking sick twisted game? Are you fucking serious right now? I don’t even know who you are!”

“Please, just shut up,” James scowled. “I don’t have time for this kind of shit, Aleksandr, and I’m surprised you even found the time to force yourself to come all the way out here to pull off this stunt.”

“You’re a heartless prick.” There was pure malice behind all of the tears, and James winced when this phrase of careless words strung together flew out of Aleks’ mouth with ease. He opened his mouth to say something for a third time, but shut it instinctively.

“Come with me,” James pleaded, a glint of hope in his eyes. He was exhausted, and he was sure anyone who looked at him for a brief second could tell, but he had just wanted this train wreck of a night to finally come to an end. “Please. I won’t ask you to do anything else for me ever again. Just. Please. Follow me.”

Aleks looked taken aback, his brows furrowing. “And why should I?”

“Just trust me.” Those words struck a nerve within him as he took James’ hand. He carefully led the boy down a long, dimly-lit hallway. The wallpaper was old and peeling near the corners of the ceiling, and eventually the two stopped near an elevator as James pressed the button with an arrow facing downwards.

The walk out to James’ car was quiet, save for the time Aleks asked if he could drive home. James had told him to shut up and even offered to bring his car back within the early hours of the morning. It had began to rain, slowly at first, then the sky grew darker as the clouds gathered and it began to downpour. The two began to walk quicker until they were running to get inside of James’ car.

Little words were exchanged as the two walked to the car hand in hand, breaking into a sprint as the rain began to come down more heavily. It was almost as if everything was okay again; as if the previous events of the night hadn’t just happened, and as if they were going home together. It was lighthearted and it made smile Aleks smile for a brief second. If only that were the case, and if only James hadn’t felt like his heart was about to jump out of his throat.

He sat in the seat across from the younger blonde-haired boy, staring into his beady brown eyes as raindrops dripped down the sides of their faces. They held a steady unwavering gaze for quite some time before Aleks broke the silence.

“Where are we going?”

“Home,” James said dryly. “You need to go to bed.”  
  
“Excuse me?” Aleks retorted, but James refused to give him any more bait.

As if the walk to the car wasn’t awkward, you could cut the tension during the ride back to Aleks’ and James’ apartment with a knife. The radio hummed a melancholy tune on the lowest volume setting, and Aleks stared straight ahead, not daring to look at the anguish plastered over James’ face.

Time had gone on for what seemed like forever until the car slowly pulled into the parking lot belonging to a cozy little apartment complex. There was one apartment in particular that stood out from all the rest, the lights turned on in almost all of the rooms. From what you could see inside the window, things were quite disheveled and scattered about, and it was clear the person living there had seemed to be in a rush.

James tore his gaze away from the brightly-lit apartment to stare at Alek’s lifeless eyes.

But Aleks didn’t crane his neck to return the gaze. He looked forward, not staring at anything in particular, as the rain beat down against the windshield.

James cleared his throat. “Well,” He said. “Maybe it’s time you get going.”

Aleks slowly turned to face the person who had caused him so much pain, so much guilt and anguish within the past 24 hours. It was hard to look him dead straight in the face. He blinked couple of times.

“Alright, let’s go.”

“What did you just say?” James’ brow furrowed as he slightly cocked his head to the side. “Aleks, no, I just-“

“You just what, James?” Aleks’ eyes hadn’t completely dried from the previous tears but it didn’t seem to matter because they were falling again in a steady stream. “You’re walking into that goddamn house with me, are you not?”

“Aleksandr,” James lowered his voice quietly as he raised an inked arm to the younger boy’s face. Aleks shied away from the touch as if it were a flame. “Have you already forgotten about the note? Or are you ignoring the fact that I had to basically yank you from the ledge of a building a few hours ago?”

“Get in the goddamn house with me, James!” The car rocked gently back and forth, but what happened inside the vehicle was less than gentle. Aleks had broke down again sobbing, his breathing hitching every time he attempted to take a breath. He rubbed at his swollen eyes, eyelashes clumped together with tears and pain.

“It just doesn’t feel like home without you…”

“Alright, alright!” James couldn’t bear to see these scene continue on any longer. He felt hopeless, trapped, and out of options, but he knew he wasn’t about to give in this time. “I’ll go in the damn house with you.”

Aleks’ eyes instantly glimmered with the slightest sliver of hope. James’ words had somehow given him the energy to crawl out of the car, back into the pouring rain, to make a beeline for his apartment entrance.

James watched him try to dodge the rain, and cracked a slight smile. This was perhaps the first time he’s smiled since he moved out, and God, he loved Aleksandr so much despite everything he’s put him through.

James followed suit, shutting the apartment door gently and surveying the lobby for a rain-soaked Aleks. He was already at the elevator, and seemed to be doing a tad bit better than he had been previously doing in the car, and James’ stomach lurched. He wasn’t at all prepared for what he was about to do.

The two rode the elevator up to the sixth floor in silence, and Aleks was the one who got out of the elevator first. He walked down the hallway to their apartment door, almost bouncing off the walls it seemed.

James tried to keep up with his former counterpart this time. He wanted to be the first one to open the door, to allow Aleks into the home they had both once shared. Before the memories of them came flooding back and overloading his senses, and before he had the chance to change his mind once more.

He took the keys from Aleks’ sweaty palms, and unlocked the door from him to step inside.

Aleks left the door open - an invitation for James to walk inside. Instead, he let his frame rest in the doorway, and watched as Aleks began to undress himself.

And the memories did come flooding back. James could feel his eyes becoming damp with tears that he tried to hold back as he thought of all of the good days, and all of the bad days too, that he had spent with Aleksandr under this roof. All of the holidays, all of the moments they had shared that led up to both of them pitching in to buy this apartment. He thought of them moving in together, and how all their friends had helped them with the packing process, being the most supportive people within their lives.

James’ gaze shifted from the hardwood floors to Aleks’ feet, and they started instinctively moving up towards Aleks’ torso until their gaze sat upon Aleks’ bare back. James had always thought his boyfriend looked the best without a shirt on. He adored it when he let the vibrant mesh of colors show and-

No. James closed his eyes so hard that the skin around them wrinkled up. He wasn’t supposed to be thinking about this. This wasn’t how the story was supposed to end.

He gathered himself. His knees buckled slightly under his weight. “Aleksandr. I think it’s time I headed home.”

“What?” But before Aleks had time to continue on, James had turned on his heels and let the door slam closed behind him. Tears were falling heavily from his face, and he let out an inaudible sob before continuing down the hallway towards the exit.

Even nearing the end of the hall, James could still hear the yelling. He could hear what sounded like empty bottles of alcohol being hurled at the wall, and James knew he was going to have to pay for the damage later on.

The tears, they fall more heavily now.

**Author's Note:**

> hey everyone! so this is actually the first cc fic i've ever written - and of course it's angsty af - i cried a lot while writing it tbh
> 
> anyways! i hope y'all don't hate me too much for the ending, i'm the type of person who'll tear my characters the shreds and not you give a happy ending. but the second part is now finished, and the first part was really the boring set-up to the riveting second part :,) i hope you guys can find it in your hearts to forgive me.
> 
> much love as always, xox


End file.
